We are offended when we feel that we are not taken into account. We get angry when someone does not do what we think is correct. And we quarrel because of this with loved ones, although we especially want to live in the world with them. But there is a way to regain calm.
Why is it a question of a girlfriend “it’s not cold you are cold?»We answer calmly, and the same question asked by the mother is irritated? Because we react from different our own states. We simply provide an information to a friend: “No, not cold” or “Perhaps a little cool”. And when a mother addresses us, for example, we assume that she wants to control us, and protest: “Leave me alone!“
We do not always notice ourselves how we get into a particular state. But if we learn to recognize them, we can choose which one to be in. And become more calm and flexible.
1. We pass theoretical training
The creator of transactic analysis Eric Bern spoke of the three main parts of our “I”: a parent, an adult and a child. Schematically portrayed them in the form of a “snowman” of three circles with letters P, B, D (child, so as not to be confused with P – parent).
For example, we enter the office, and a colleague asks: “What time is it?»Read three answer options. What do you think, in which of the three I-state I am responsible?
“It’s time for you to get your watch!“
“I am late for the meeting?“
Each self-condition has certain feelings and experiences. In a state of a child, we think that we were being delayed, and we are afraid of punishment. In the state of the parent „include“ indignation, anger.
Often we experience bodily sensations in these conditions. Fear is accompanied by heartbeat and sweating, the voice can be high and vibrating. Anger – tension in the body, we can squeeze the fists, the voice intensifies, the blood rushes to the face.
And in the state of the adult we remain calm, analyze reality and provide requested information
Why? Eric Bern proposed an explanation.
In the child We react unconsciously as we once reacted in childhood.
In the parent We suddenly hear the intonations of our own mom and dad or other significant adults, although we do not very recognize these “voices” until we analyze. It is they who interfere with being “here and now” – in the state that helps maintain sobriety of reason and tranquility. Because of them, we often experience misunderstanding and even create a conflict without the need.
In adults we can perceive information, analyze it, negotiate with others. This condition helps test reality without assessments, labels and emotional „noise“.
2. We determine our self-state: who spoke in us?
This exercise will help you show your unconscious reactions and teach you to see the difference between the I-Prejections. Remember the last 24 hours of your life.
We are looking for a parent
Are there any cases when you behaved like your parents or other authoritative figures? What thoughts, feelings and behavior accompanied this? You will probably be easy to determine who you are copying. So, in the mirror a grandmother, grandfather, older brother or music teacher may appear.
The parent I am a lot of assessments, prejudices, family motto. It is from the parent to the head that the verdicts sound: “All men are selfish”, “taxi drivers never know the road”, “You can’t trust anyone”.
We are looking for a child
Were there the moments during this time, when you acted, thought and felt the same as when they were a child? What did you think about yourself, about others and about the world in general? It’s good to do this exercise in front of the mirror: so you will see how your condition changes and how your child comes to the fore.
It may be possible to recall some event from the past when you experienced something similar. How old are you then? There are many fantasies in the child (or illusions, as Bern said) accepted for reality. If someone laughs, then certainly above you. “I don’t like me”, “I can’t quit smoking”, “I am a loser”.
We are looking for an adult
And, finally, in what situations your behavior, thoughts and feelings were a direct response to what is happening “here and now” and you “did not fall into childhood” and did not include the parent?
Write one example for each of these three ways of response over the past day.
3. We return ourselves to reality
When we are captured by too strong emotions, we fall into the state of the parent or child. To control oneself and behavior, it is useful to practice the condition of the adult in advance. Then we will be able to enter it when you need.
Take a sheet of paper and title it „I am a person who …“. In two minutes, write all the sentences options. After that, relax and enter the adult state through the body: for this, peering into the room in which you are in the room for several minutes.
Help yourself by accepting the following pose: sit down on the chair straight, take your feet into the floor, if they are crossed, put them evenly
Look at what you wrote. Check each option for compliance with reality. Replace the sentence „from the child“ with the phrase of an adult. For example: “I do not know how to get along with others” change to: “I communicate well with Vanya and Nastya. So, I can be friendly and can get along well with others. „.
Now take another sheet of paper. In two minutes, write all the motto and beliefs that you heard from parents and other significant figures. Again „turn on“ through the body of our adult. What phrases from the list reflect reality and which do not?
Replace phrases with new. For example: “If something doesn’t work out
, try it again and more” transforms this way: “If you do not succeed, change what you do, so that it turns out”.
Our state of adult returns us to reality and allows us to make decisions adequate to it.
